I am not exactly a sports fanatic. However, like a lethargic werewolf, every four years I spring from my sports ignorance and become some sort of rabid beast, clawing my way toward the television to bask in the madness that is the Olympics. (This is why I have not been writing. The van from Satan’s Chute did not make a last successful run at me.) First, the things I do not care about even kinda: basketball (both women’s and especially men’s), cycling, anything involving shooting (especially archery, which I think I’d love, but those bows are practically machine guns—sights, gadgets, magic bowstrings, etc.. Gimme old school 14th century archery and I’m there), weightlifting (though the 105 pound women lifting double their body weight was interesting), men’s beach volleyball, any beach volleyball which doesn’t contain Misty Mae-Treanor and/or Kerri Walsh Jennings, and all the other boring or common stuff.
Second, my favorites are women’s gymnastics, and all the swimming venues. Usually the men’s gymnastics competitions are just okay for me because I loathe the pommel horse and sometimes the rings bore me. The high bar can’t be matched, though. So, expect most of my chattering to be based around these. I also approve of synchronized diving and diving in general.
Third, I surprise myself by watching crap I would normally change immediately if my TV remote happened to stumble across such atrocities. Women’s indoor volleyball, men’s indoor volleyball (however brutal), some men’s water polo (and not just for when they get out of the pool), and the rabid fascination with which I watch women’s beach volleyball.
Okay, I started writing this on the night of women’s gymnastics team qualifications. Now tonight they have competed for the team medal. I know what the final score is, but it hasn’t been shown in its entirety, and I haven’t posted in a while, so I’m gonna try to knuckle this out before much else happens.
First, Ryan Lochte has been getting a lot of criticism for not being up to par. People are saying that his leg of the relay put them in silver position instead of gold, he hasn’t medaled enough, and he’s being okay when he could be great. First, in the relay, I stand by my opinion that it wasn’t his fault. He was kicking ass, he was ahead, and then Cracky McSpeed came up behind him like he was Namor, king of the lame underwater people. I think upon closer examination, you will see that the French athlete actually grew webbed hands and a tail in his quest for gold (Yeah, I know Namor didn’t have these…shut up). Who could have known that France’s Olympic delegate would have attached an outboard motor to his taint and sprinted ahead of Lochte? Nobody. It’s what America did to France in the last Olympics, so people probably need to lay off Lochte (contrary to what most people would actually want to do to him *leer*) and realize that France had an extraordinary race.
Second, Phelps has sucked, but seems to be waking up and realizing that he is at the Olympics and that this is serious business. It’s about damn time. Something in me thinks he shouldn’t win everything like he has in the past, just because he hasn’t trained for it. It’s cocky and presumptuous that he thinks he can win with barely trying. Then again, he’s the best ever, so there you are. Kick some more ass, Michael, and show them what you’re made of.
Third, Missy Franklin and Allison Schmitt are the cutest beings to ever grace the planet and I hope they pee on their competition and leave them in their wakes. (Though that might somewhat diminish their adorable status).
Fourth, I’m not one for conspiracy theories, but the South Korean swimmer Park Tea-hwan should smear feces all over the idiot who said he false started in the heat. That was never an early start. Not even kinda. I’m glad they contested it, that he was reinstated, and that he’s been kicking ass ever since. I think the judges knew he had done had an early start before and were on his ass, just waiting for him to mess up. Yeah, right here, assholes.
Fifth, that goddamned post-swim interviewer for NBC, Andrea What’s-Her-Snatch Kremer, needs to be punched in the ear and left to wander aimlessly around until she falls in the pool and drowns, struggling vainly to kick her hateful ass toward the life-sustaining surface. To Lochte she basically said, “It’s your fault, you cheap bastard, so how do you feel knowing you failed your country?” He said he wasn’t proud, that he could have done better. She came back and said, “No, really. You suck my aged taint. Do you think you will end your life later and spare America the embarrassment of watching your pathetic doggy paddle in the pool?” To Phelps she all but said, “You licked Mexican stinky balls in that swim. You know, the race where you didn’t even medal? Are we going to have to sit through your pedestrian attempts at a race, or should we throw a paraplegic amputee in the pool in your stead?” When Phelps said he felt like he was doing better she said, “No, really, you are a disgrace. Do you think you could muster some testosterone outta that squished sac and finally medal?” Phelps’ response was savvy and coy and I like that. He should have boxed the bitch in the ear and shoved her toward a pool of Ryan Lochte’s urine.
First, NBC sucks. Seriously. The US men’s team was amazing in the qualifying competition, coming out first. Every wiggle, jump, twirl, bulging muscle, and agonizing wait was memorialized on film. And they came away amazing. When they ate it in the actual competition, after the insanely hot Danell Leyva fell off the horse, then the inspirational John Orozco fell, a few gymnasts stumbled on the floor, and when poor Orozco fell on the vault…we suddenly didn’t see anything more. Nothing. Why is that? Because the US started sucking, fell to last place, and then rebounded to fifth? That wasn’t suitable for American television? Bitches, I don’t want to see them fail, but at least allow us to agonize with them, to experience vicariously their fall and then rebound to a respectable position. Don’t pan away and pretend it didn’t happen. We will know. American television stopped showing Americans. What the hell? Then again, I don’t want to criticize NBC much more, or my blog may mysteriously be shut down… *wide eyes, picking up the book 1984*
Second, Great Britain’s men’s team was amazing. I’m glad NBC did show them (despite my previous complaint). Their story was amazing and I was so happy that they got a medal. The crowd almost had a collective orgasm, and they should have. There has been no medal in memory for them, and I think that’s great. That being said, I think as a society we need to see more of Louis Smith. Seriously, I don’t think I can even say how hot he is without being censored for lack of common decency. Not only that, but his routine made me care about the pommel horse, which I have never, ever done before. Seriously, his routine was exciting, and not just because he’s hot. He was good.
Third, speaking of hot, the US men’s gymnastics team is, quite possibly, the hottest in history. My initial, pointless, baseless dislike of Jonathan Horton aside, he’s cute. Then we have Jacob Dalton and the most enormous, gorgeous green eyes ever conceived by man, woman, or beast. John Orozco is a cutie. Then we come to Danell Leyva. Dayum. I should have realized it before, but while I’m an equal opportunity letch, Danell made me realize that I do have a type mixed in all that inter-racial lusting. Put him next to stars of a different (NSFW) sort, Leo Forte and Victor Rios, all of which I would be an Alien face-hugger for if introduced to, and you see my secret type emerging. That being said, I am confused by Danell. He reportedly sends nekkid pictures to girls, has a series of gay trolls on his Twitter account, and while his lisp seems to be an actual speech impediment, I can’t help but wonder about him. I watched the video of his head being shaved, and while the thought behind it was noble, the whole thing made me sorta perk up and wonder. The voice, the mannerisms, the slapping of the hand, the attempted biting, and the faces he made while they shaved his steel wool hair (most of that cracked me the hell up, by the way), it all made me wonder. Then again, if I had a body like him…hell, if I LOOKED like him, I would be nekkid al the time. He’s young, hot, a great athlete, and he can do what he wants. I just prefer he be without clothing while doing so. I believe Ryan Seacrest would enjoy that interview more…
Fourth, Britain got booted from their silver medal and the Ukraine got booted from a medal entirely because Japan’s star pupil fell, but reportedly did a handstand beforehand. Uh, I’m no gymnastics judge, but that didn’t look like a handstand to me. It looked like a spread-legged desperate plea for balance by a diseased fawn who decided to get on the pommel horse. The athlete in question (whose name I don’t feel like looking up), is undoubtedly an amazing gymnast, but that was not an amazing routine. Still, the judges thought the plea deal was adequate and put Japan in silver, Britain in bronze, and the Ukraine in hell. The crowd booed, and a lot (though not as much as the Alexi Nemov debacle in Athens…bastards. He was robbed.), but it was all for nothing. China’s team, who I am certain would land in prison for losing, got gold. (Could you imagine? “What are you in for?” “I fell off the pommel horse.” “Oh, hell…you’re a lifer!” *soft weeping*) The Chinese are serious about their gymnastics, and though I didn’t get to see them (thank you not at all, NBC), I’m certain they were absolutely fantastic.
Fifth, because I brought it up, I know it’s been about 900 years since the Athens controversy, but I still hate me some Paul Hamm. His bar routine was as boring as watching stagnant water evaporate, yet he got a medal over the legendary Alexi Nemov. (I forget who won gold on that individual apparatus event for high bar, but it was so good that he deserved both gold and silver for it.) Then the big controversy. The audacity of saying you are the best all-around male gymnast in the world when you know goddamned well that you won because of a big judging error, makes you a horrifying, spoiled monster, and a model of terrible sportsmanship. The only thing I can say in his defense is that it wasn’t his fault that the judges sucked in his favor, but when it all came down to it, he knew that he “won” on a technicality, and he should have given his medal to the rightful owner.
His supporters claim that, knowing the South Korean’s score, he dumbed down his routine (did he really?) because he knew he had more room to spare. So, he deserves a medal for chickening out and not being as good? Nobody doubts that he’s a great gymnast, not even me with all my bile and hate, but he doesn’t deserve all that he was given. I just don’t think I could bring myself to claim to be the world’s greatest blogger or writer (for instance) if it turned out someone’s blog address got rerouted to mine, or a book I wrote was mixed with Stephen King’s works and sold amazingly because of it. It just seems like the same thing to me—taking credit for something you didn’t deserve, no matter how good you may actually be.
I read that Paul Hamm was arrested for assaulting and threatening a cab driver in Ohio. First, karma is a bitch. Second, bwahahahaha! Third, as my infinitely funnier friend said, “How can you threaten ANYONE when you sound like a two year old girl?!” (You can read her blog here: www.turnbackwhileyoustillcan.wordpress.com)
I was going to go over women’s gymnastics, but I think I will save that for another night. I have their team medal competition to watch, so I may do that later. Until then, keep those cantankerous thoughts present, and *fake accent, putting on a terrible pink wig* “May the bile ever be in your throat!”