This question comes to prominence in two areas of my life, both work related. The company I work for has recently gone through a name change. Most name changes imply one company buying off another or some merging (usually with the convenience and impact of large pigs launched from cannons at one another). This is not the case here, though the case might be made for that cesspit being full of pigs who need to get in line for said cannons. It really is just a name change. We and several other segments of the company are being forced to change our names to a similar root, with a suffix of sorts to indicate what we actually do. So, in the above analogy, we would all be called PigCannon followed by Lube or Launch or Clean.
Nothing else has changed. Just the name. I cannot stress this enough.
Yet, every single day I am informed more times than I have the strength to count that the OLD company, SwineMortar, was infinitely better, their customer service was superior, the wait time to speak to an agent was centuries shorter, and they could get quality pigs at a lower price before SwineMortar was brutally taken over and raped by the folks at PigCannon. Now, I am not on the phones. I don’t always deal directly with our customers, so if I hear it so often, what about the poor, defiled PigCannon agents on the phones?
The irony of all this is that there really has only been the most superficial of changes. Nothing has actually changed in the wait times, the service, the speed of products being shat out (it’s difficult to coax willing pigs in, you see). Nothing. It’s like saying that since we painted the building, the offices are booby trapped, there are drug deals in the conference rooms, all the bathrooms have disappeared.
So, are people totally delusional, or are their loyalties so strong that they make up excuses to align with their suppositions? The customers’ hateful responses have to be due to extreme dementia, recent head injuries, a delusion, or loyalty to the previous name and the perceived company it represented. I can’t decide which of these options it is.
In the other case of delusion vs. loyalty, a good friend at work (she helps lube up the pigs with me—a prime job within the company, I assure you) has become the target of not one but two scammers. (Apparently, when you smell of swine, you attract them?) She’s a widow in her 50s, looks great for her age, and is a caring, sweet individual. Prime target for scammers. We will call her Krista. (For the one reader who knows her, you will realize that my name-changing abilities are laughable with this one).
My opinion is that she needs to stay the fuck off Match.com, because that’s where she met both of these losers. The first one was obvious, ham-handed, and laughable. He apparently needs to take Reality 101, because there isn’t a bitch on the planet who would swallow the load of pig slop he was dishing out. She dropped him in record time, and I was happy for her. One more pig for the cannon. *herding him to the front of the line*
Then the newest one. I don’t know who they sent a picture of, but DAYUM, that man is hot. He’s probably in his forties, built like a porn star (a hot gay one, not one of those slobs they often wrangle up for some straight porn), hairy chest, close-cropped hair, chiseled jaw line, and just made of Heat and Sexy. So, if the “model” knows nothing about his picture being used to scam widows, then more power to him (and where can I order one just like him?). If he does, may he be shoved into a well full of razors and lemon juice.
Okay, from now on, I’m writing these entries in a frenzy of activity and not bothering to proofread them, because in the time it takes me to do so, everything changes. This one has a happy ending, whereas before it was still in process.
My point before was that my friend Krista had fallen for the most recent scammer. He was a bit more subtle, a lot more credible, and a lot less in a hurry to get to the money issue. At first, anyway.
The first was saying some crap about needing money to get from England (where he was on a business trip, of course) back to the States. When my friend wouldn’t give him the money he had asked for (because, as luck would have it, his wallet was stolen and he had no access to his money), he offered the dumbest excuse and solution to any problem ever. He claimed that his ex-girlfriend in Japan was going to fly him to Japan, give him the money, then fly back with him to the States.
Uh, what was this dude aiming for? At best, this series of lies was supposed to inspire jealousy which would cause Krista to yank wads of bills out of her snatch like some perverted magician. “No, I don’t want him to be with his ex! And she’s coming back with him?!” *pulling a rabbit made of cash from ‘tween her breasts*
But the stupidity of that wasn’t lost on her. Her first thought, as was mine, was, “Uuuuuuh, does he need an escort? Is he Hannibal-goddamned-Lecter?” It progressed and she eventually became wiser. She gave him the boot (a.k.a. stopped e-mailing him) and moved on. I’m beginning to think that he told his scamming boss that he had failed, so the big man came in.
The second guy was supposedly in the military and overseas. This time, the story revolved around a piece of gold given to him for a saved live, which he failed to declare as he was getting out of the military and coming back to the States to, of course, be with Krista. He only needed a few thousand dollars to pay the paperwork fees, but since the gold was worth hundreds of thousands of dollars, it would be no issue to pay her back. *stare*
It gets better.
He claims that he was detained by Customs and imprisoned but had access to his laptop. And he’s in Ghana. Of course. This one e-mailed a copy of a check and a note supposedly allowing her to draw out money from his account, blah, blah, blah. You can Google this scam and huge amounts of results will come up.
So, Krista got wise to him, eventually, but it depressed her.
Say what you want, but I can’t blame her. I met my current significant other online and we have been together for almost three years. You can get attached from chatting online, and there’s no shame in that, but the moral to that is that you have to actually meet. Otherwise, the guy you’re talking to could be a bucktoothed, half-dead llama whose beef-jerky-smelling hooves had a tendency to strike the right keys.
When it was apparent that she couldn’t conjure money from the ether and wouldn’t cash in her 401k (which he asked her to, of course, with the understanding that he would pay her back…ha!), he mysteriously managed to get out of THAT predicament and is currently in Germany…where he has been told that his bags are too heavy for him to travel any farther. He has not asked for money…yet. Would anyone like to take bets on how long it takes? And for what amount? Will he claim that he has to pay storage fees? Will he try the gold nugget bit again? (The only nugget he has is full of corn and evil and has been flushed with whatever shame he possesses). For now, he is in Germany.
A very dear friend of mine, Zhaviera, lives entirely too far from me—several states and thousands of miles away. When my friends and I miss her, we text her, tell her she’s coming over for dinner and that she should get ready. She texts us back, saying that she’s putting on her shoes and should be ready in an hour. It’s our delightfully nerdy way of telling her that we miss her. An hour later, she will text again and say, “Where are you bitches? I’ve been waiting here with my shoes on for over an hour!”
So, this guy—this scammer trying to take advantage of a woman, a widow, and a friend—would appear to be in Germany. With his shoes on. Krista so badly wanted to believe him, so I keep wondering what was motivating her—loyalty, or delusion born from desire?
I have told Krista that she should start messing with this ass-bag right back, and not even bother to strain for verisimilitude like he is:
“Well, my aunt shot her husband for cheating on her with a horse. But her husband has been dead for three years and her sofa is riddled with bullet holes and teeth marks, so we’re having her committed. My funds will be tied up for about a month, but I can pay you back for your rooming costs while you’re in Germany. Since you love me, you can wait, right?”
Or, “I saw Bigfoot and Santa Claus roller skating past me while I was driving near an ocean cliff. I was so shocked that I drove right off the brink and into the crushing arms of a colossal squid. I survived by chewing through his eye, but I’m in the hospital right now, typing with a pen, my mouth, and my neck muscles. I may never walk again unless I have, uh, about three hundred thousand dollars. I’ll never walk again without you. Since you love me, I know I can count on you for help. Yours truly, Krista Ahab.”
I would love to see his response if she started to play Loyalty Make Believe, a.k.a. The Delusion Shuffle. Perhaps I should put MY shoes on and ninja-kick one not-so-delicately into these scammers' asses. Sideways.
I just want Krista to realize how important she is to so many people and that, just because someone who typed sweet things to her turned out to be a donkey-fucking troglodyte, doesn't mean that she isn't a wonderful person who deserves to be happy and have her a hot man.